Tuesday, 25 October 2022

This is the year I take back my power.

I’ve always been an easy-going person, never voicing my preference for things and always going with the flow. 

My therapist once asked me to close my eyes and recall a time when I was younger that I felt I didn’t prioritise myself. A memory from secondary school came to mind. I remember really wanting to go home after a long day of classes but giving in to peer pressure to go shopping instead. 

This has pretty much been my life. Never really giving much thought to what I want, and letting other people and circumstances determine my journey. I’m sure there are many others like myself.

I always thought it was a good thing to just go with the flow - everyone is happy. 

But as I grew older, I realised that not everyone was happy. I wasn’t happy.

When you aren't clear about what you want, you bend your boundaries. You compromise on your values. And it is only a matter of time that you become resentful. At my lowest, it felt like I had lost myself altogether. It felt like I was nothing but an amalgamation of all the things that the world wanted me to be. And it took a toll on my mental health.

But as the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Even through the most heart-wrenching i-wanna-die moments, there are lessons to be learned. For me, it was through those moments that I realised I was gradually giving my power away. Each time I ignored my needs and "went with the flow", I was losing more and more of myself. 

Sometimes, what you need is to hit rock bottom before you finally learn to love yourself. To realise that no one else in this world is responsible for your happiness but yourself. It was through the painful experiences that I came to see, with greater clarity than ever, the things that I want and do not want in life. And that it is my duty to chart the path that I want. 

I read somewhere that it’s fair to not know what you want in life since you only have one life and no other point of comparison. I know that the choices that I have made and will make may not lead to the best life out of all the possibilities out there. But I think that as I turn 28, I now have a better idea of how I want to live. And I'll start by taking back my power.

It takes courage but I will be unabashedly me. 

Some people may not like you the way you are but that’s okay, you're not for everyone. And to another, you might be just be the friend, confidant or employee that they are looking for.

In the words of my Gen Z sister, life is too short to not be slayyyy.
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