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Sunday, 10 October 2021

baby steps

for kester, thanks for never walking away

The overcast weather makes me feel like God cares about my dark and gloomy soul. 

I relapsed today, after doing well for so many weeks. I thought this was it, as I watched all my hard work and effort to get better go down the drain.

I woke up with my throat parched from the alcohol last night and my hunger intensifying with every passing minute. But I didn't get up. I laid in bed for the next five hours. It felt impossible to get up. 

But. I. eventually. did. 

I remembered that there was work tomorrow. I briefly considered taking the day off to rest but I really didn't want to. I knew I had to get my shit together before that. It's amusing that instead of being a stressor, work is always one of the things that drive me in life.

But more importantly, I remembered that only I can pull myself out of this shithole of a brain. Over the past two years, I placed so many expectations on my partner to make sure that I'm okay. But I've come to learn that it is completely unfair and pointless. Because when it comes to the brain, only you can and should help yourself. So, I willed myself out of my shithole. 

This morning, it felt like there was no way out but here I am now, just a couple of hours later, writing this with courage. I guess I would call this baby steps.

Remember. It's temporary. It is always temporary. Every cloud has a silver lining. And every storm will pass.

And we'll always be good.

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