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Tuesday, 18 August 2020

her name is anxiety

Sitting for a Greek exam did not give her anxiety.
Giving an unrehearsed speech in front of a sea of people did not give her anxiety.
Receiving a call from her boss in the middle of the night did not give her anxiety.
Having less than a thousand dollars in her bank did not give her anxiety.
Seeing a kid almost get hit by a car did not give her anxiety.
Jumping off a cliff and plunging into the dark waters did not give her anxiety.

It was their cautious choice of words that gave her anxiety. It made her believe that she was a ticking bomb, about to explode and kill everyone at the sound of a trigger.

It was their looks of disapproval that gave her anxiety. It reminded her that no matter what she did, she was never going to be good enough.

It was their ‘I love you but…’s that gave her anxiety. It taught her that love wasn’t enough; that one day, perhaps love would run dry.

It was the prayers that they uttered under their breaths that gave her anxiety. It reminded her of what a devil’s child she was.

And then one day, she realised that the only way to purge the anxiety inside of her was to kill them all. And so she did.

her name is anxiety

But instead of peace, all she found was a different source of anxiety. One that stems from guilt, loneliness, and her own dark and mangled mind.

That was when she learned that to put an end to her anxiety, she should not have killed the ones who loved her. She should have killed herself instead.

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