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Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Quarter-life crisis?


23. I’m turning goddamn 23 this year. But you know what?

I am still perpetually filled with that teenage angst from 10 years ago.
There are times when I hate everyone around me – with no bloody reason!
Times when I just wanna shut the door, put Simple Plan on replay and turn up the volume till my eardrums are about to explode.
Times when I don’t give a shit about stringing my thoughts into perfect sentences. Or blogging about inspirational i-don’t-know-whats.
Days when I itch for the feeling of unrequited love – yes, I make myself depressed by listening to Jay Chou even though I’m in a perfectly functional relationship.
I still waste days weeks marathon-ing Korean dramas even though I had resolved to read a book, learn a language or go for a run instead.

And then, it hits me that I am no longer a self-entitled teenager, “justified” to do or say whatever the hell I want. (Because someone is gonna catch my back. Anyway.)

I realised that in a couple of years, I will become a wife, a mother, an officer, a... person with truckloads of responsibilities. Someone who is expected to catch the back of others. And it creates this deep-seated resentment for marriage, child-bearing and basically anything synonymous to growing up.

I don’t think I can do this. Is it me or can you relate?

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But I will throw away these thoughts. I will replace my rock music for mellow instrumentals. I will wipe away that smirk and plaster on that befitting smile of maturity. I will tear into pieces my journal of absolute gibberish and instead, make a list of things to be grateful for. I will spend my free time reading up on politics instead of celebrity gossip. I will cultivate a distaste for netflix and savour the beauty of networking.

I will be a fake, impersonal and self-righteous adult. Like most other adults.

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