Quarter-life crisis?

23. I’m turning goddamn 23 this year. But you know what?

I am still perpetually filled with that teenage angst from 10 years ago.
There are times when I hate everyone around me – with no bloody reason!

Times when I just wanna shut the door, put Simple Plan on replay and turn up the volume till my eardrums are about to explode.

Times when I don’t give a shit about stringing my thoughts into perfect sentences. Or blogging about inspirational i-don’t-know-whats.

Days when I itch for the feeling of unrequited love – yes, I make myself depressed by listening to Jay Chou even though I’m in a perfectly functional relationship.

I still waste days weeks marathon-ing Korean dramas even though I had resolved to read a book, learn a language or go for a run instead.

And then, it hits me that I am no longer a self-entitled teenager, “justified” to do or say whatever the hell I want. (Because someone is gonna catch my back. Anyway.)

I realised that in a couple of years, I will become a wife, a mother, an officer, a... person with truckloads of responsibilities. Someone who is expected to catch the back of others. And it creates this deep-seated resentment for marriage, child-bearing and basically anything synonymous to growing up.

I don’t think I can do this. Is it me or can you relate?

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But I will throw away these thoughts. I will replace my rock music for mellow instrumentals. I will wipe away that smirk and plaster on that befitting smile of maturity. I will tear into pieces my journal of absolute gibberish and instead, make a list of things to be grateful for. I will spend my free time reading up on politics instead of celebrity gossip. I will cultivate a distaste for netflix and savour the beauty of networking.

I will be a fake, impersonal and self-righteous adult. Like most other adults.

10 silly little things that I love about you

Insurance, driving license, a new home... These are things you are forced to start thinking about when you are turning twenty-three. And five years together. When people start (perpetually) asking you, “When are you getting married?!” Life (with your significant other) isn’t just about that white lace wedding dress that you’ve always dreamt about. It isn’t just about a perfect honeymoon on the warm and luscious sand of Santorini. It isn’t just about the names that you have in mind for your future kids. It’s also about the boring, and sometimes nerve-racking, argument-inducing, bits.

This year, we (as a couple) turn five. We’ve reached the stage where the tedious parts of life (and our relationship) are finally wearing us down. We’ve reached a point where date nights, love letters and polaroid photos seem awfully trivial. Anniversaries seem “pretty lame”, petty gifts, a waste of money and sentimental words, puke-worthy. Truth be told, I wasn’t planning on writing this. In fact, since our anniversary falls in the midst of exams, we agreed not to do anything on the 17th of January this year.

But, you know something? I stayed up last night thinking about my life thus far; and a huge part of it was, you – from meeting you for the very first time when I was eleven, to having an unrequited crush (years later) and finally, waking up to the same familiar face that warms my heart every morning. I thought of the sweet little things that we did. The first date that we had by the Marina Bay. I remembered leaning on your shoulder and refusing to adjust my posture even though my neck felt sore. I recalled the first time we did a 10k Nike run together. I remembered how you insisted on running by my side despite me urging you to break your own record, but ended up dashing off when the shot was fired. I remembered laughing my heart out when I saw you waiting at the 7k mark, looking out for me. I remembered the selfies that you would send me every night when I enlisted in Basic Military Training. And I remembered how important these silly little things were in bringing us to where we are today.

So, even though this may cause me to throw up my breakfast when I read it again tomorrow, today I’ll tell you 10 silly little things that I love about you.

1. I love how you add “Mel knows” at the start of every story that you tell someone.
2. I love how you put so much effort into planning me a surprise but (always) end up telling me about it because you’re just too excited.
3. I love how (using the words of our flat mate) you can make a story of a tortoise sound exciting.
4. I love how you tell me that I’m fat and chubby all the time, yet buy me way too much food.
5. I love how you tell me “I love you” as much as you call me fat and chubby.
6. I love how you come into my room every night to give me a goodnight hug.
7. I love how you say Korean dramas are a waste of time, yet you occasionally watch them with me.
8. I love how hard you try to persuade me to eat an apple.
9. I love how I’m the first person you turn to when you need a prayer.
10. I love how you say, “Meeeel, you really know how to push my button,” when I (deliberately) annoy the hell out of you.

The list can go on and on, but I’ll save it for next year. And the next. Happy 5th anniversary, my love. Even when we’re seventy, let’s not forget these silly little things, okay?

Her quest for peace

Peace. In a metropolitan city like London, peace seems to be a rare gem hidden among the rapid footsteps of tardy office workers, the awkward handshakes between newly acquainted colleagues, the turning of a page by an unsettled high school student, and the overpowered whispers for spare change ("please").  

I've been searching every nook and cranny for that hidden gem.  

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Tiny pellets of ice hit the surface of my windowpanes, mimicking the sound of metronomes clicking. This is it; the moment I've been looking for. I make myself a cup of hot chocolate, with extra chunks of marshmallows. I scan through the collection of books that I've accumulated over the years (some of which I actually haven't read). Ah, Wuthering Heights, my all-time favourite. I pick up my pristine copy of Emily Brontë's masterpiece, roll into my duvet and endeavour to experience peace amidst the storm hail. 

"Time brought resignation and a melancholy sweeter than common joy." I read the line over and over again. My hot chocolate is turning cold. The skies are clearing and a couple of residual raindrops trickle down my windowpanes. I get more and more restless by the second. I've done exactly what carefree girls do in Valencia-filtered Tumblr pictures. Yet, peace refuses to open its door.

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I hop on the last bus home. I'm all alone. The silence is deafening, so I put on my headphone and shuffle-play the new playlist on Spotify. Your Coffee Break. "Just the right blend of chill-out acoustic songs to work, relax, think and dream to," it promises. Maybe today I'll find solace in a good piece of music. Ten minutes into the journey and, for a moment, it seems as though peace is finally welcoming me into its embrace. As I take a cautious step into its presence, the screech of the bus tyres snaps me out of my reverie. It's time to get off. I take off my head phones and walk right back into reality.

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We lie down in our tent, with our heads perched out and our eyes fixed onto the sky. I lift up my hand - the one that isn't holding on to his - and reach out for the stars. The clouds are on leave today and the stars are out to play. I can almost hear them chuckling, dancing to the sound of the waves. I tilt my head to the left and observe the outline of his forehead, nose bridge, and then his lips. I think I've found my peace, right next to -- you.

We reminisce about the first time we met at the old bookstore down Charing Cross road. We talk about the absolutely perfect day that we've had, from the moment we opened our eyes to the splendour of the morning sun, to the picturesque view that we were greeted with at the peak of Scafell Pike. We discuss about the future that we envision - with you and I, our children, and our children's children. And suddenly, it isn't as perfect as it seems. The future that I dream of is one that is intricately designed to revolve around him; but his isn't the same. Nature's harmony is suddenly disrupted, as we erupt in words of fury.

I take it back. Screw you. Screw peace. Screw everything.

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The scorching sun looms high above and its rays barge through the curtains of my room to invade my slumber. I put my hands up to prevent my eyes from hurting. Damn it! The sun's up. I must be late for work. I grab the shirt and pants at the top of last night's pile of laundry, put them on and run for the 8:05 bus. I am at peace.

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I prepare a black suit for tonight's funeral. I hear Brie wailing from the adjacent room and it sends shards of ice straight through my heart. Tears build up at the corner of my eyes but I am at peace.

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I walk through the underground station at Waterloo (as I've done so for the past five years). "Excuse me!" An angry commuter brushes past me, as his shoulder slams right into my chest. If it was a year ago, I would've grabbed him by the arm and demanded for an apology. Instead, I let out a gentle sigh and utter under my breath, "bless you." I am at peace.

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Peace. In a metropolitan city like London, peace seems to be a rare gem but its one that I've finally found. It is not in the sound of raindrops on your rooftop. It is not in Yiruma's most tranquil melody, Kiss the Rain. It is not in the steady heartbeat from your lover's bosoms. It is not in a short getaway to the Lake District. It is from within.