Sunday, 17 January 2016

Blessed 4th anniversary, my dear

I remember the day that we got together (exactly 4 years ago). I don’t know about you, but I was hella uncertain. It was the year of our “A” Level Examination. I remember entering Junior College with the sole purpose of excelling in my studies. Yes, I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t see you coming. It’s not that I didn’t have any interest in you, or dating. It was more than 2 years since I started having a crush on you. It was just that I didn’t expect anything to blossom out of my unrequited infatuation. Lo and behold, at the dawn of our “A” Level year, you finally began to drop signs of interest.

When you reciprocated to my impulsive confession, I was (to be honest) in a lost. Of course, because I didn’t want to jeopardise what we had, I didn’t tell you how I was feeling. I was euphoric, indeed, but I was at the same time anxious, apprehensive and unconfident. What if he’s not the one for me? What if we end up arguing a lot? What if this relationship doesn’t work out? What if it affects my studies? These were just a few of the many questions that I was bombarded with. After all, I was only 18.

The first person that I confided in was my dad. (Yes, even after we got together, I wasn’t confident in approaching the relationship hand-in-hand with you. I had always relied on my dad’s counsel and I couldn’t let go of the hands that walked me through the 18 years of my life. You knew it too. It wasn’t wrong, I know, but it was hard for you because it seemed like I didn’t trust your leadership.) To my surprise, instead of a relentless opposition, my dad encouraged me to pursue my heart’s desire with wisdom and discernment.

That is how I decided to embark on this ambiguous journey with you – young, inexperienced and full of doubt. The first few months of the relationship were characterised by sugarcoated words, passionate glances and generous gifts. It was as though we could conquer the world – just you and I. That confidence didn’t last too long, though.

The sugar fell off, the passion died down, and the generosity ran dry. Of course, there were still many moments of bliss; but the subsequent months were characterised by petty arguments, irrational insecurities and selfish pride. There were occasions when I was compelled to throw my hands up and walk right out – it was difficult. It was for you, too. And probably even more. Arguments that lasted till dawn when we had exams the next day. Yelling at each other like we hated, rather than loved, each other. Refusing to say sorry until tears were spilled and angry words were lashed out (words that once said, can never ever be taken back). That was the reality of our relationship. Behind the façade of adorable pictures and corny captions, we were oftentimes on the verge of breaking down.

I remember the lesson that you shared in cell group about relationships years ago. I remember the analogy of the triangle. The closer the man and woman in the relationship are to God, the closer they will be to each other.

This kept me going throughout the entire period of trial. This kept us going. Whenever we were plagued with arguments, we would (try our best albeit sometimes failing to) pause for a moment and seek God. Miraculously, by His abundant grace and mercies, we tided through argument-by-argument, and misunderstanding-by-misunderstanding. We never once allowed our anger towards each other to last till the following day. (Ephesians 4:26)

4 years of putting up with my immaturity, self-centeredness and insecurities must have been a chore to you. I won’t lie – it was tough putting up with certain aspects of you, as well. And I won’t lie again that throughout the 4 years there were (still) many moments of uncertainty. You always tell me how you would never want to be with anyone else. You always tell me how you can’t wait to make me your bride. You always tell me how you are so certain that I am the perfect one for you. Each time you said that, a small part of me felt unworthy and undeserving. I was already sure that I love you with my whole heart. I was already sure that no one could be more perfect for me than you are. Yet, I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid of letting go of the hands that walked me through my adolescence and teenage years, just to hold on the hands of a man that I’ve (truly) known for a couple of years.

Today, on the 4th anniversary of our relationship, I want to tell you that I’m finally no longer afraid.

In the same lesson that you shared about relationships, you said that a godly man must fulfill the roles of priest, prophet, protector and provider to his woman. Because of your fervent prayers of intercessions, I am constantly encouraged in faith – priest. Because you seek to love me like Christ loves the church, I see a glimpse of His faithfulness – prophet. Because you care for my emotional, physical and mental well being more than that of your own, I am safe in your embrace – protector. Because you look out for all of my needs, I am fully satisfied with being yours, and yours alone – provider.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For it they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Thank you for lifting me up. Thank for your keeping me warm. Thank you for standing by my side. I am now ready to hold on to your hands and trust your leadership, wherever you will take me.

Blessed 4th Anniversary, my dear.

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