Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Time robbed me of you

I'm turning 21 in 4 days. 

I've never really considered the notion of time; about how it is absolutely out of your control, about how it seals the past and opens a myriad of opportunities for the future, about how it is regrettably irreversible - at least not in this dimension. 

It may sound a tad bit melodramatic but the idea of being 21, and formerly stepping into adulthood, (sort of) scares me. Yes, I've recently started thinking about time. Most people who have gone before would say that I'm insane for worrying about my age. "You have a long way to go, young lady," some say, bewildered.

I don't think they understand me. I've always been a girl with big dreams; always trying to punch above my own weight, always fighting to prove that I can do it, always trying to be the perfect daughter, sister, partner, and friend. 

In 4 days, exactly 21 years would have passed since I stepped foot on this earth. That is 252 months, 7665 days or 183960 hours. And all I've achieved amounts to (almost) nothing. 

Yes, I've achieved my childhood aspiration of joining the army. I'm studying abroad like I've always wanted. I'm attached to the best person I could ever ask for. But most fundamentally, I've failed in being the best person that I should be to my family and friends.

They say that there are 5 love languages that exist between human relationships: words, services, gifts, time and touch, I've always been aware that my primary love language is time. I enjoy receiving words of affirmation, acts of services, gifts and physical intimacy but nothing makes me feel more loved than spending quality time. Yet, I've never really (in return) made consistent effort to invest quality time on the people around me. Those who have known me for years would know that I'm not proactive in striking long conversations, initiating text messages or calling for meet ups. I've always justified my (lack of) actions by my introverted nature - it's just not my style. 

I'm turning 21 in 4 days.

I remember the close friends that I had in primary school, secondary school, junior college, and in my old neighbourhood. I had once thought that these friendships were something I would hold dear for my entire life. It seemed doubtlessly possible. I spent almost every day of my life with them.

I was wrong. Time betrayed me and I took it for granted. As we parted ways, moved on in life and no longer met every day, we started to drift further, further and further apart... I wasn't just introverted; I was lazy. It didn't cross my mind that time would rob me of these friendships - I wasn't proactive and I didn't bother investing in them.

Time is such a beautiful thing. It allows me to create memories that would stay with me for a lifetime. Yet, it is at the same time so cruel, robbing me of the things closest to my heart when I've (literally) done nothing

It breaks my heart to know that the same people whom I could laugh and cry with are now friends whom I find difficult to say "let's meet" for no good reason. It breaks my heart that personal space used to triumph over family time when all I wish right now is to be able to celebrate my birthday with my family. 

It breaks my heart but at least I now know. Because of the irreversible nature of time, I cannot unwind what has (not) been done. But because I now know, I will make sure that every second counts.

Thank you JORD watches for reminding me.

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