Friday, 17 July 2015

I love you, J

I was stuck in a labyrinth.
I hated where I was.
I had everything; but everything meant nothing.

Have you ever had that feeling?
Everything seems to be going just fine.
But you’re not happy.
I mean, yes, you’re happy when you achieve good grades.
You’re happy when someone compliments you.
You’re happy when your crush approaches you.
But I’m not talking about that happiness – and you know what I mean.
I’m not talking about the happiness that goes away once you screw up your grades.
The happiness that is robbed when someone backstabs you.
The happiness that is trampled on when your crush falls for someone else.
The happiness that, when taken away, leaves you in fits of depression.

I slept and slept my days away.
Reality was nothing but a nightmare.
Life was like a rollercoaster –
One moment I’m flooded with euphoria, and the next, I’m sobbing my heart out.
Life was meaningless -
Nothing but a chasing of the wind.

Until that day.
Until He showed His face for the very first time.
He was beautiful beyond words.
More beautiful than the dandelions of the field, being blown by the wind.
More beautiful than the bright morning sun, blazing in all its glory.
More beautiful than the vast expanse of night sky, strewn with infinite stars.
At that moment, everything else seemed to pale in comparison to His magnificence.
Everything else seemed to be nothing but a glimpse of His unconfined perfection.
All of a sudden, it was as though my eyes were opened for the very first time.
Every fibre of my being felt more alive than ever.
For the first time, I knew why I was born.
For the first time, I knew who I was, I had found my identity.
For the first time, I couldn’t wait for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to come.

I no longer slept my days away.
I savoured every moment with Him.
Every moment in His presence, in His embrace.
It was sweeter than the sweetest of honey and I knew that what we had was real.
He was real.
I told my family and my closest friends –
I couldn’t contain it.
Even those who hadn’t heard the news could see the change in me.
I was different.
I was happy.
Not the happy-when-something-good-happens kinda happy,
But the happy-regardless-of-the-situation kinda happy.
When the going got tough, I thought of Him.
I spoke to Him.
I took comfort in His touch, in His love.
Instantaneously, I was engulfed in a confidence that everything was going to be okay –
Not because it was actually going to be okay, but because He was with me.
He was all I wanted.
He was all I needed.

But as time went by, He became too perfect for me.
I disappointed Him again and again.
His sweet, sweet presence became suffocating.
Guilt washed over me each time I saw Him face to face.
The relationship that we had was eating me away, eating me away.
It would probably have been better if He rebuked me for my wrongdoings.
I wouldn’t have felt this unworthy.
I wouldn’t have felt so undeserving.

Each time I upset him, He was ever ready to forgive.
He was always there, even before I could utter my “sorry”s.
He would always tell me that it’s okay, that He doesn’t remember.
But how, how could He not remember?
In all His wisdom, in His infinite memory, how could He not remember?

I started shunning away from Him.
I became a very, very bitter person.
I wished I hadn’t met Him.
Life was pointless before I met Him.
But after falling in love with someone who was just too perfect for me,
Life became painful.
I felt pathetic, I felt lousy about myself.
I refused to speak to Him.
I wanted out.
I wanted out.

He never quit.
He pursued me with an unceasing love.
He would knock on my door day and night, day and night.
I didn’t respond.
Days, weeks and months went by.
I was getting used to a life without Him.
I was getting used to the pain.
I was slowly, slowly returning to my meaningless and mundane life.
A life void of passion and zeal.
A life where sleep was the best form of escapism.

I thought so.
But I was wrong.
I was returning to my meaningless life.
But I wasn’t getting used to it at all.
How could I?
How could anyone be satisfied with a mundane life after having a taste of such an immense love?
I realised that I missed Him.
I missed Him so much that my heart ached.
Somewhere along the way, it seemed like He stopped knocking.
I thought that He might have given up on me.

I sobbed and sobbed.
My tears were my food day and night.
I screamed and yelled, as though I was a rooster about to be slaughtered.
I begged Him to forgive me.
I begged Him to forgive me for not forgiving myself when He had already forgiven me.
I begged Him to forgive me for underestimating His love.
I begged Him to forgive me for hurting Him by hurting myself.
I couldn’t stop crying.
How could I be so silly to forsake such a love?

And then the door creaked open.
Standing right there was my beloved.
He held open His arms.
Without a second thought, I ran towards Him.
Towards the arms that I was so familiar with, that I was so comfortable with.
In that moment, every last bit of guilt and shame and condemnation that were within me faded away.
In that moment, I knew that He was always there; He never left.
His perfect love drove away my fears.
The warmth of His embrace melted my cold stone heart.
The gentleness in His eyes empowered me to love, to love again.

To love Him. To love myself. To love others.
I love You, Jesus.                                        

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