
I was
stuck in a labyrinth.
I
hated where I was.
I had
everything; but everything meant nothing.
Have
you ever had that feeling?
Everything
seems to be going just fine.
But
you’re not happy.
I
mean, yes, you’re happy when you achieve good grades.
You’re
happy when someone compliments you.
You’re
happy when your crush approaches you.
But
I’m not talking about that happiness
– and you know what I mean.
I’m
not talking about the happiness that goes away once you screw up your grades.
The
happiness that is robbed when someone backstabs you.
The
happiness that is trampled on when your crush falls for someone else.
The
happiness that, when taken away, leaves you in fits of depression.
I
slept and slept my days away.
Reality
was nothing but a nightmare.
Life was
like a rollercoaster –
One
moment I’m flooded with euphoria, and the next, I’m sobbing my heart out.
Life
was meaningless -
Nothing
but a chasing of the wind.
Until
that day.
Until
He showed His face for the very first time.
He
was beautiful beyond words.
More
beautiful than the dandelions of the field, being blown by the wind.
More beautiful than the bright morning sun, blazing in all its glory.
More beautiful than the bright morning sun, blazing in all its glory.
More
beautiful than the vast expanse of night sky, strewn with infinite stars.
At
that moment, everything else seemed to pale in comparison to His magnificence.
Everything else seemed to be nothing but a glimpse of His unconfined perfection.
All
of a sudden, it was as though my eyes were opened for the very first time.
Every
fibre of my being felt more alive than ever.
For
the first time, I knew why I
was born.
For
the first time, I knew who I
was, I had found my identity.
For
the first time, I couldn’t wait for tomorrow
and tomorrow and tomorrow to come.
I no
longer slept my days away.
I
savoured every moment with Him.
Every
moment in His presence, in His embrace.
It
was sweeter than the sweetest of honey and I knew that what we had was real.
He
was real.
I
told my family and my closest friends –
I
couldn’t contain it.
Even
those who hadn’t heard the news could see the change in me.
I was
different.
I was
happy.
Not
the happy-when-something-good-happens kinda happy,
But
the happy-regardless-of-the-situation kinda happy.
When
the going got tough, I thought of Him.
I
spoke to Him.
I
took comfort in His touch, in His love.
Instantaneously, I was engulfed in a confidence that everything was going to be
okay –
Not
because it was actually going to be okay, but because He was with me.
He was
all I wanted.
He was
all I needed.
But
as time went by, He became too perfect for me.
I
disappointed Him again and again.
His
sweet, sweet presence became suffocating.
Guilt
washed over me each time I saw Him face to face.
The
relationship that we had was eating me away, eating me away.
It
would probably have been better if He rebuked me for my wrongdoings.
I
wouldn’t have felt this unworthy.
I
wouldn’t have felt so undeserving.
Each
time I upset him, He was ever ready to forgive.
He
was always there, even before I could utter my “sorry”s.
He
would always tell me that it’s okay, that He doesn’t remember.
But
how, how could He not remember?
In
all His wisdom, in His infinite memory, how could He not remember?
I
started shunning away from Him.
I
became a very, very bitter person.
I
wished I hadn’t met Him.
Life
was pointless before I met Him.
But
after falling in love with someone who was just too perfect for me,
Life
became painful.
I
felt pathetic, I felt lousy about myself.
I
refused to speak to Him.
I
wanted out.
I
wanted out.
He never
quit.
He
pursued me with an unceasing love.
He
would knock on my door day and night, day and night.
I
didn’t respond.
Days,
weeks and months went by.
I was
getting used to a life without Him.
I was
getting used to the pain.
I was
slowly, slowly returning to my meaningless and mundane life.
A
life void of passion and zeal.
A
life where sleep was the best form of escapism.
I
thought so.
But I
was wrong.
I was returning to my meaningless life.
But I
wasn’t getting used to it at all.
How
could I?
How could
anyone be satisfied with a mundane life after having a taste of such an immense
love?
I
realised that I missed Him.
I
missed Him so much that my heart ached.
Somewhere
along the way, it seemed like He stopped knocking.
I thought that He might have given up on me.
I
sobbed and sobbed.
My tears were my food day and night.
My tears were my food day and night.
I
screamed and yelled, as though I was a rooster about to be slaughtered.
I
begged Him to forgive me.
I
begged Him to forgive me for not forgiving myself when He had already forgiven
me.
I
begged Him to forgive me for underestimating His love.
I
begged Him to forgive me for hurting Him by hurting myself.
I
couldn’t stop crying.
How
could I be so silly to forsake such a love?
And
then the door creaked open.
Standing
right there was my beloved.
He
held open His arms.
Without
a second thought, I ran towards Him.
Towards
the arms that I was so familiar with, that I was so comfortable with.
In
that moment, every last bit of guilt and shame and condemnation that were
within me faded away.
In that moment, I knew that He was always there; He never left.
In that moment, I knew that He was always there; He never left.
His
perfect love drove away my fears.
The
warmth of His embrace melted my cold stone heart.
The
gentleness in His eyes empowered me to love, to love again.
To
love Him. To love myself. To love others.
I
love You, Jesus.
No comments
Post a Comment