A mind of its own

“Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!”

The sound that I dread the most, the 3 syllables (on repeat) that never fail to beckon me from my deepest slumber, the melodious tune that would otherwise have been pleasant to the ears if not for the fact that it was a darn morning alarm. With the intrusion of my life’s morning’s greatest nemesis, my mind (without warning) erupts in flames like a volcano that had been dormant for centuries. My mind…

NOT THAT HORRIBLE SOUND AGAIN. TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF. NOW. NOW.

Let me snooze for 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes.

And then it goes blank. My mind. These days, it’s becoming a mind of its own. It’s 7.33a.m. in the morning. It takes me 2 minutes to get out of bed, 5 minutes to wash up, another 5 minutes to get changed and 15 minutes to drive to my work place. It has all been well planned – my daily ritual – and it usually goes pretty well. Well, except for days like this. Days when my mind feels that it needs the extra 5 minutes of sleep. I garner every ounce of willpower to reach out for the switch to activate my mind. No response.

I end up late for work.

At work, my boss tasks me with the honourable role of coming up with innovative ideas for the new project that my team is working on. I call out to my mind, appealing to its creative juices. I know that it is capable of much. To it was due all the credit of the massive success of last year’s project. In an incredibly short span of 10 minutes, it was able to draw up an entire blueprint of the company’s event – one that inspired the awe of many and crossed the mind of none. But right now, it refuses to operate. It refuses to be strained.

4.58p.m. 4.59p.m. 5.00p.m.

Finally.

I grab my (already packed) laptop bag and drag my legs out of the office. As usual, by late afternoon, I’m no better than a mindless zombie. Allowing my subconscious mind to take over, I saunter towards my car and head for home. That’s all that I’ve been looking forward to. Home. Shower. Dinner. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Sleep. Something that I’m utterly deprived of. It’s not that I’m extremely busy with work and overtime – I’m not a banker. I crawl into bed at 11p.m. every night like an obedient daddy’s girl but it’s not until about 3a.m. in the morning that I actually start drifting in and out of sleep.

I tuck myself into bed at 11p.m. exactly. I’m a pretty disciplined person (when it comes to time) despite my lack of enthusiasm in the day. I heave a sigh of relief as my head touches the pillow – the day is finally over.

WAIT. My mind. Something doesn’t feel right. Did I forget to do something today?

Woke up, late for work, scolded by my boss. Ugh. My boss. He’s getting on my nerves. Should I quit? But where can I go next. Should I get up and research on my options…?

No no no. I have work in the morning. I need to sleep.

I need to sleep.

I toss and turn in bed, urging my mind to swim faster and faster towards the desolate island of sleep that seems only to be floating further and further away.

This is annoying. I reach out for my iPhone, turn down its brightness and Google  “how to sleep fast”. Okay. Breathe in slowly and let your breath out in counts of four. One, Two, Three, Four. Again. One, Two, Three…

YES. Repetitions. That’s it. The new project should revolve around the idea of repetitions! KPOP is so successful for their catchy repetitive tunes and dance moves. Flappy bird and Candy Crush made it big because people were hooked to its repetitive nature. I’ve gotta write this down. My boss is gonna be so thrilled!

I pause to consider the consequence of exacerbating my sleep deprivation. I’m operating in a huge sleep deficit – probably comparable to the U.S. budget. I’m gonna be so cranky at work tomorrow.

But I’m always cranky anyway.

Heck it.

I get out of bed and turn on my Macbook. I know full well that when my mind starts running racing, nothing can stand in its way; not even the heaviest of eyelids.

I give in to my mind, a mind of its own. I give in to another night of insomnia.