Friday, 5 December 2014

White flag

I look into her - their - cold hard eyes.

I try, with all my might, to think of a comeback. Nothing.

I dig deep into the recesses of my memory for the phrases that I spent hours crafting, memorising and rehearsing. The expressions that I practised countless of times that my cheek muscles started to turn sore. The one phrase and expression that was meant to be used in tandem to show them that it was my very last straw. The one that I swore to myself I had to remember even if the fear I felt made me forget everything else.

But now, I can't remember a single damn thing. Instead of determination and rigour, fear is spelled all across my face. It's okay. I shut my eyes, for a moment of reprieve, and let out a deep breath. As long as I don't cry, they will know that I can't be bullied. I will endure. I will. 

I shift my gaze away from them, to anything that I can catch hold of. I ignore their sniggering, their mocking. I refuse to listen to them. But somehow, like a surfer being engulfed by the ocean tides despite all his efforts, their piercing words seep into my ears against every ounce my will, and into the depths of my heart. It settles there...

I must not cry. I feel hot tears gathering at my lower eyelids, at the brink of spilling out. I forcefully glare into the sun, stinging my eyes with its radiance; yet succeeding as always in suppressing the tears of shame. I smirk.

They are not deceived. They see right through my feeble attempts to mask my fears. They aren't leaving. The feeling of dread overwhelms me with greater fervour than before. I keep my eyes wide open; stubbornly refusing to blink, determined to hold back my tears for as long as possible.

My eyes are bloodshot. I can't hold out any longer.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1... I blink. A drop of tear slips out of my eye, caressing my cheek before landing on my collar. That's when it starts. The tears surface - a little, and then all at once.

I raise my white flag and let the world tumble down on me.

I see them closing in but it doesn't matter. I've lost.

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