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Saturday, 25 June 2022

dancing alone

 "write drunk, revise sober"

I'm walking down the streets of Brooklyn on my own. The taste of Tequila from the past four nights of partying still lingers on my lips. I'm not too sure if I'm hungover, still a little high, or just tired - who would have thought that partying could be more tiring than work?

It's my last night in New York City. My friends have flown to Miami. I wish I could join them but unfortunately, I have to head home for work tomorrow. 

I have spent a total of five days alone on this trip. Traveling alone is an entirely different experience. It is liberating, it makes you feel pretty darn invincible, and yet it reminds you how alone you are in this world. 

Since eighteen, I've almost always had a companion to do life with. It's nice. To have someone to share everything with, to feel like you have an anchor. But it comes with its own set of anxieties and frustrations.

I've been learning to dance alone. It's scary but exhilarating. You are the author of your own story. And the people you meet become mere experiences. They come and go, leaving paragraphs in your novel. Maybe that's how life is supposed to be - nothing more than an experience. 

And then, there's that thin line between euphoria and hysteria when you're alone in your head. One moment you're soaking in the grandeur of the Manhattan skyline, and the next, your head is reeling from the profound pointlessness of life. It's a funny thing, I must say.

Nonetheless, I'll keep dancing. At least I've stopped wishing for this dance to end.

Now, would you like to dance alone, with me?

Saturday, 11 June 2022

growing pains


Love is the most painful yet rewarding thing in the world.

This is my second failed serious relationship. And it hits differently. You would think that by now, you would have learned what it takes to make it work. 
 
I learned from my first break up that all it takes is the willingness to keep fighting for the relationship. If I hadn’t given up so easily, perhaps things would have turned out differently.
 
I practised this in my second relationship. Throughout our arguments, I never gave up. We knew that fights were just part and parcel of a relationship, and that we were good. We bulldozed our way through. And no matter how painful it was, we always chose to love.
 
But eventually, we came to learn that love itself is not enough. Love is not enough when your values and beliefs are in conflict. Love is not enough when needs are constantly not met. Love is not enough when you have different boundaries and expectations, and no resolution. Love is not enough when you are together, but forget what happiness feels like. 
 
When I was little, I never understood why people who love each other choose to go on separate ways. But I think I do now. Living with someone every day, and doing life together, requires much more than feelings of affection. It requires maturity, open conversations, an alignment of values, and a hell lot of compromise. 
 
I’m turning 28 this year. I thought that by now, I would have found my end game and be living in marital bliss. But life tends to make a fool out of us and take on a completely different trajectory. 
 
However, I’m not distraught. I think I’ve come to see that these are growing pains – the necessary pains that we experience in life to grow in experience and character. 
 
Call me na├»ve but I still believe in love. It is painful af but I know that when you finally get it right, it will be the most rewarding thing in the world. 

Friday, 15 April 2022

incoherent thoughts(?)

I haven't written in here in a long time. It's hard to find inspiration when you're trying to clear a brain fog half the time. And I don't feel like writing something coherent today, so skip this if you wish.

Don't you sometimes wonder how things can change so quickly and drastically?

One moment, you're at the bottom of your class trying to not fail math. The next moment, you're receiving your master of philosophy from the praelector. 

One moment, you're running your personal best and the next, you have a permanently torn ligament, and the persistent dull ache reminds you of it all the time. 

One moment, it's till death do us part and the next is how to split the finances.

One moment, your mum is cradling you in her arms. The next, you're holding that same arm to help her take a step forward.

Nothing is permanent. And most things are beyond our control. I've recently come to learn that trying to keep the status quo, against the course of nature, only leads to anxiety. Take life one stride at a time. There are moments of disappointment, and moments of serendipity. And as I always quote the wise old King Solomon,


"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind."

-    Ecclesiastes 1:14

Sunday, 23 January 2022

perhaps love


After 27 years of living, I think I still haven't fully grappled with what it really means to love someone. 

Is it a feeling of affection towards a person? 

Is it wanting only the best for them? 

Or is it wanting to possess and have all of them? 

None of these definitions seem to quite cut it. 

We are capable of loving someone even when the feelings of affection aren’t there. Even when we’re annoyed or frustrated with them. 

We are capable of loving someone and yet not want the best for them if it threatens our own survival. 

We are capable of loving someone while choosing to not have them because sometimes, we understand that it just wasn’t meant to be. 

What, then, does it mean to love someone? 

I don’t know. Perhaps it is whatever we make it out to be. 

Perhaps it is choosing to share some of your joys and sorrows with a person. Perhaps it is being upset or angry at a person, but choosing to stay any way. Perhaps it is choosing to step out of your headspace to see things from their perspective, even when it is so f*cking difficult. Perhaps it is finding out what a psycho the both of you can be but still choosing to say, ‘I do’. 

Perhaps that is love.

Sunday, 31 October 2021

My virgin experience in crypto/NFT :)

I bought some Ether and minted my first NFT (non-fungible token) 19 days ago and since then I haven't been reading, or writing, or thinking about anything else except for the crypto and NFT markets. 

I've never seen myself as someone who would be into stocks or cryptocurrency, or any form of investment that requires me to constantly monitor the charts. I'm an infp. I need a lot, a lot, of time to unplug, and think about deep things; which is probably why my very first investment was property - something I won't have to think about again until many years later. 

The biggest investments to me have always been knowledge (books), experience (travel), and personal development (language, fitness, picking up new skills). So when I was nudged to think about financial investments two years ago, I decided to purchase Benjamin Graham's The Intelligent Investor. I studied it for a couple of weeks and did some research, and then shoved it aside. Really, all I did was invested 30 bucks in my knowledge on value investing.

I decided to dip my foot into NFTs simply because I thought it was fascinating, and refreshing. It is art. Art that is not kept in a museum and accessible only to the highest strata of society, but art that is stored on the Ethereum blockchain and accessible to (almost) anyone. But after I minted my first NFT, I came to learn about the NFT community, which brought my experience to a whole new level - yes, I'm a proud member of the Mad Rabbits Riot Club and Women & Weapons (among a couple of other awesome ones too)! In an NFT community, you connect with all sorts of people across the globe who share the same passion that you have for the project. It's perfect for my infp soul. Just the right amount of social interaction, as and when you wish, and with whom you're pleased.

My first NFT: Mad Rabbits Riot Club

Of course, in the last 19 days, there were moments when I felt the need to really unplug. Such as today, which I decided to set aside to reflect and write (although, ironically, about NFTs). But I guess I wanted to share about my excitement in finding this new hobby or form of investment that seems to fit nicely with my personality and energy. 

Mark Zuckerberg announced the rebranding of Facebook into Meta just two days ago. I'm excited to see what the world is going to be like in the next couple of years, with the gradual realisation of the metaverse and NFTs becoming blue chips. And I'm thankful that there's a place for us infps, artists, right-brainers in this increasingly digitalised world. 

I'm glad that we're still relevant. More relevant than ever.

My Women and Weapons NFT - a project I empathise with
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