The Cambridge Dictionary defines "withdrawal symptoms" as,
"the unpleasant physical and mental effects that result when you stop doing or taking something, especially a drug, that has become a habit."
It is often used figuratively for things like Korean dramas, American TV series, online games, a co-dependent relationship or a nice, long trip - basically anything that offers you a distraction, and a form of escape, from your current reality.
Through therapy, I realised that I was not great at processing my thoughts and emotions. I had a tendency to avoid thinking about difficult situations and engaging in tough conversations until it was absolutely necessary to do so. As a result, I ended up spending most of my time engaging in frivolous activities that kept my mind from processing the pain that was inside me.
Since what happened in Summer, I decided to stop avoiding my emotions. I was finally ready to face them head on and become a better person; for myself, and for the people that I love. I also took the leap of faith to remove the things that I felt over-reliant on; binge-drinking being one of them.
It has been a rewarding journey but I had my fair share of ups and downs. Today, I want to talk about withdrawals - the "downs" of breaking a bad habit or quitting something that has essentially become a part of your identity and survival strategy. I want to share my own experience of how I have coped with it and encourage anyone who is facing the same struggles to persevere.
1. AM I OUT OF THE WOODS?
July and August were amazing months. I had decided to cut out the bad things and focus on re-building my life. I flew home for the summer to spend time with loved ones. I had great support and my mind was clearer than ever - no brain fog, no bad hangovers, no fuzzy memories. I even started thinking about future plans - something that I had lost the courage to do. I flew back to Berkeley at end of August for Fall Term, feeling confident about achieving great things. I was certain that I was out of the woods. Spoiler alert- I wasn't.
2. WITHDRAWALS, WITHDRAWALS, WITHDRAWALS
That was when the withdrawals hit me. Not all at once, but incrementally. Tiny hand trembles, heavy breaths, dissociation. "Earth to Melody!" Dissociation, again. It feels all to familiar. F*ck, am I having an anxiety attack? No please no, now I'm anxious about being anxious...
Without my community of support, I didn't know how to cope on my own. Most days were still pretty good but there were just some days that really sucked. It's a human thing.
What did I do? No prizes for guessing. I fell back into the same patterns.
3. RECOGNISE THE SIGNS EARLY AND SEEK HELP!
But the difference this time was that I could recognise the signs early. I knew that if I did not intervene, I might fall too deep and it would be difficult to climb out of my bad habits once again. I refused to go back to the same mind space that I was once trapped in; and I knew that I needed help. I went for therapy. Therapy might not be for everyone but I can't emphasise enough about how important it is to seek help as soon as you recognise the signs of a relapse. Be it a therapist, an accountability partner or a friend, it gets a lot easier once you seek some form of help and know that you're not alone in this.
4. THE WAITING GAME
How do you get better? Frankly, I do not have the answers for everyone. But what has worked for me is coming to realise that my "withdrawal symptoms" and anxiety are temporary. I don't have to respond to them to make them go away. They will eventually go away if I could just sit through the pain. There have been times when I lie in bed feeling like I might truly die but I refuse to give in and somehow always make it through. And it gets a tiny bit easier each time. I just need to win the waiting game. My therapist also taught me practical tools like taking an ice bath or doing a high intensity work out to reset your body - feel free to speak to me to find out more!
5. PLAYING CATCH-UP
Another difficult thing about quitting your bad habits and finally facing your problems head on is coming to realise that you have been left behind in the race of life. While your peers have been developing themselves and working towards their dreams, you have been wasting your time trying to cope using bad habits that do more harm that good. You are no longer on equal ground and it's time for you to play catch-up. It can be very discouraging and depressing but I think there is beauty in understanding and accepting that everyone has their own journey.
6. BUT EMOTIONS ARE DIFFICULT ☹
Without my emotional "crutches", I was forced to face my difficult emotions. I didn't know where to start. For years, I have accepted that I'm just a sad person and never understood what triggered my sadness and anxiety. As soon as I felt them, I would distract myself through unhealthy activities.
One of the hardest things about giving up your bad habits is having too much time to sit with your emotions. Your mind will naturally start breaking them down and processing them bit by bit, whether consciously or subconsciously. For me, a lot of this takes place in the moments before I drift to sleep when my subconscious mind is doing the work.
What surprised me is that random unprocessed emotions from years ago surfaced at random moments and caused an emotional response in me that I was not ready for. I then remembered what my therapist once told me, "if you don't process your emotions, you will be like a university student still trying to solve the same primary six math problem from many years ago." I was still an infant in terms of my emotional maturity. And you will surprised to know, even grown men and women can be infants when it comes to emotional maturity.
I'm still on a journey but I feel stronger, healthier and happier each day. The first step is always the most difficult but this world is full of resources to help tide us through. You are not alone!