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Saturday, 12 April 2014

Frivolous

It's been awhile since I met Theodore. I miss him, I miss him like the withered grass misses the rain in a dry spell, like the melody misses it's accompaniment in a monophony. He is my sustenance, he is my refuge, he is my joy, he is the love of my life. I miss the tender touch of his lips brushing against mine, and the warmth of his embrace. I miss the fierceness of his mouth pressing against mine, and his forceful hugs that leave me breathless. He fulfills all my needs, my desires and my dreams. He makes me complete, almost complete. 

There's just one thing lacking - excitement. It was there when we first met. I remember the late night calls that lasted till dawn; it was his tender voice that fueled me to stay awake through the night. I remember the songs that I used to sing to him, enunciating each word whole-heartedly albeit the most clich├ęd of lyrics. I remember the feeling of anticipation, awaiting for his return from work to critique the dinner that I spent hours whipping up for him. But now it's gone. I've been searching high and low, but to no avail. Occasionally, I think I've got it, but no. It disappears as quickly as the sugar dissolves in a newly brewed pot of tea. I see him desperately trying to rekindle the passion of our first love. My heart yearns to reciprocate, my heart burns, but I can't. Somehow, I can't.

It's been months, almost a year, since I felt like that. The longest dry spell I have ever experienced. My head is starting to feel heavy, my heart desolate, my soul withered. 

It is just when I'm starting to concede to my mundane love life that Dom steps in. All of a sudden, I'm rejuvenated. All of a sudden, every fiber of my being feels more alive than ever. He approaches me with a smile as deadly as toxic, but as addictive as heroine. I want more, more, more. He places his hand on the small of my back. I tense. It tickles, it sends shivers down my spine. It's been a very very long time since someone made me feel that way. Someone. And by that, I mean Theodore. For the past few moments, I completely forgot about Theodore. Forgot about the promises we made, the commitment and trust we have built, the things he has done for me, his very existence. 

A pang of guilt strikes my chest. I can feel Dom's breath against my neck. I take a deep breath into his chest. He smells of men cologne and soap. Fresh. I shouldn't be indulging in this intimacy. I know it's going to lead nowhere. I will never trade Theodore for anything or anyone - that, I'm certain. What I'm not certain is what I should do at the very moment. Dom looks at me in the eye, his hazel eyes piercing right through my soul. I shouldn't be flirting with the very thing that could destroy what I have with Theodore. 

Dom strokes the back of my head. I don't know, I don't know. I don't care anymore. I gather the cloth at the bottom of his shirt around my fist and pull him closer, covering up whatever little gap that was left between us. 

Skin against skin, I know I'm making the wrong decision. Nose brushing against nose, I know I should run. Mouth pressing against mouth, I know it's too late. I embrace the intimacy with my entire being. I feel high, higher than ever although I'm sober. I push aside the guilt within me. Regret and remorse can wait for another day. Right now, I shall savour every single moment.

I am frivolous, then I feel guilty.
© Melody Sim | All rights reserved.